Five Signs Its Time to Reconnect with Your Partner and What to Do About It
“We’re Stuck!”
The number-one concern leading couples to my office is communication. While ineffective communication takes on many forms, noticing yourself or your partner doing some combination of behaviors from the list below can be a sign communication is breaking down:
- Repeating thoughts, feelings, and/or opinions.
- Speaking louder and/or faster than usual.
- Interrupting.
- Starting responses with phrases like “yeah, but…” or “I know, but….”
- Thinking about what to say next, rather than listening.
What precedes these five is often a feeling of not being heard or understood. Each is a very human reaction to frustration from attempting to communicate a message and being, at best, unsure if that message is being received.
When both you and your partner begin doing some combination of behaviors from the list above, it can be extremely difficult to find a mutually-satisfying resolution to a conversation.
So, what can you do about it?
One path forward is to take a breath, interrupt the urge to continue communicating your message, notice that not feeling heard or understood isn’t likely something you alone are feeling, and share with your partner a summary of what you understand from them.
“OK, it feels like we’re getting stuck and I just want to make sure I understand. It sounds like you’re feeling…”
Yes, this might be 180 degrees opposite from what your emotions are inviting you to do, but consider for a moment how disarming, and maybe even comforting, it might feel if your partner tried something like that with you. It might not be easy, but give it a try and notice what your partner does next.- Scott Ziemba, MS, IMFT
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